so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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