Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
