Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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