My liver just broke up with me...
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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