I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
