We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
