Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
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come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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