I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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