I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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