i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
