i jhust puked up my retainher.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
