the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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