Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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