My liver just broke up with me...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
