The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
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I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
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Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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