marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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