Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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