woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
