I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
