I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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