he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
