sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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