Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
