dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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