RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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