i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
