I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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