you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
