god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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