i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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