When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
