i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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