textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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