Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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