I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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