I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
