I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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