Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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