My hand turned me down
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
