she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
