I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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