I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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