its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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