dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
