What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
