dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
