Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do vagina's smell?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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