I just saw a hot homeless man
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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