I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
