U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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