I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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