God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
