Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
