Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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