mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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