We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
