You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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