do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
ttyl tear gas
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
