Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
