nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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