Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I came so hard my ears popped.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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