he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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