Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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