i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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