I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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