I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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