I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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