just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I AM VODKA MAN
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
